Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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