Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
