New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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