I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
