i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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