they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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