alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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