She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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