What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We are all done wearing pants today
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
