i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
