u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
