Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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