the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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