can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
