there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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