Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
