I accidentally had phone sex last night
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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