I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Houston, we have a blender
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
