She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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