shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
