Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
