walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize
