My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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