Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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