I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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