she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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