so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
