Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
