drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
