You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
