Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
