An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
