When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
