I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize