Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
