i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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