How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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