he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
