Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
