Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
