My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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