All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
