Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
