walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
