She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
