I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
