Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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