the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
