Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
