I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
