Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
