you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
