fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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