I'm jealous of your bromance
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
