They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
