three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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