Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
