Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
