I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
